Offspring of the past.

Feels like hatred is electrifying me
as I think of what I have done to myself
Having to endure such pointless pains
knowing it's no one's fault but mine
I feel horrible
I feel empty
Angry
Detested and desperate
I feel betrayed;
by my own self.
I've looked away from facing the blame for a very long time
throwing it at people around me
Not knowing that one day I'll realize
not knowing that one day it'll get thrown at me.
Lost is the little amount of hope I had
having snapped back into reality
I laugh at how naive I've been
I laugh at my ridiculously vast dreams
I laugh at all the wasted time
I laugh at me.

HS.

Guilt and shame.

   Guilt and shame, a mixture I'd never wish to experience. Yet as the night announces its presence, as I sit in silence, in solitude, thinking of the unwanted, I do. It crashes upon me, weighing tons more than I can handle.
   Guilt and shame, I try to run from. Yet as each day goes by, I am reminded repeatedly of what I have done. Of the pain I caused and the pain I feel. Of the shadows of my past that will forever haunt me.
   I am swallowed by darkness, as I attempt to repent. Myself isn't forgiving, it is in rage.
It is angry that it is the cause of its unhappiness. It is angry for being stupid. It is angry for being weak.
  I have yet much to experience, yet still am unable of forgiving myself. I have started again, yet still am unable of letting go of the past.
  Ghosts of my misdeeds still follow me around, appearing at times I least expect. Punishing me yet again, for things I wish I've never done.
   Guilt and shame, I no longer want to feel. Yet as the night comes along, every other feeling is all but real.

HS.

Here I am.

"Here I sit, scattered around the pages of my times with you. Collecting the remains of our beautiful memories, our moments of longing. I laugh, I cry.
 Here I sit, and many people gather around me, each looking for a chance, no matter how small, to get to me. To sail into the seas of Forbidden Love. The love I've grown not to understand after you, not to feel its burn with anyone but you. The love that shattered me and cost me all traces of dignity and self-respect.

Here I am, trying over and over to regain the strength to stand on my feet, to reclaim the smile that never used to leave my face.. After you, the world had lost its colors in my eyes, and I've become to see it in black and white.

Here I sit, yearning to hear anything about you, knowing deep down, that no matter how long I wait.. I won't be receiving nothing.

Here I sit, between the wall of my broken love, and the wall of my memories with you.
Foolishly preserving myself for you, knowing you weren't and will never be mine.

Here I am, trying desperately to overcome your love and accept another, knowing my efforts are pointless. Ever since you left, I lost the joy of being with someone that'll stick around. I lost the curiosity to welcome anyone new into my life. Worst of all: I lost my self and left it with you.


How? I wonder: How could this happen? How could my heart take control of me after I've always been the one controlling it?

Here I am, standing at your station. Unable to go any forward as I am unable to go back. Here I am, losing myself to you, only to be rewarded with renunciation and indifference. Here I am, paralyzed, broken, and shattered, not accepting to be repaired.

Here I stand.. And continue standing."   

الضعف.

"هل أحببت يوما؟ 

شنيع هو الحب، أليس كذالك؟

يجعلك في منتهى الضعف.

يفتح صدرك وقلبك ليأتي شخصٌ ما فيثير الفوضى بداخلك.. 

تبني الحصون وتشيّد القلاع ليأتي شخصٌ واحد، شخصٌ غبي.. لا يختلف عن أي غبيٍ غيره! ليتجول في دنياك الغبية. 

تعطيه قطعة منك لم يطلبها أصلاً، وحين يقوم بإحدى أفعاله السخيفة، كأن يهمس بإسمك أو
يطبع قبلةعلى شفتيك ، تتسرب حياتك من بين يديك فلا تغدو ملكك.. 

الحب يأخذك رهينة. يتسلل إلى داخلك ويأكلك من الداخل إلى الخارج.. ثم يتركك تبكي في الظلام وهو يسلك طريقه إلى قلبك.

 كم هو مؤلم! ليس ألماً خيالياً ولا عقلياً.. إنه ألم الروح وألم الجسد. إنه الألم الذي يفترس ما بداخلك و يقطعك إرباً إربا.

أكره الحب. "